


I didn't Mean It

by KJMusings



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-25 22:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7550425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJMusings/pseuds/KJMusings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary:  Raven panics and sticks her foot in her mouth unintentionally hurting the one person she cared about most.   Spoilers for all seasons just to be safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I didn't Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> Note: OK First major apologies to those who like Kane. I’m afraid I don’t so there is one small paragraph that’s not horribly kind to him and probably not entirely accurate, so be warned and you can probably skip over it, instead of reading it and being upset. 
> 
> Also, I ignored the fact that Wick had effectively been “Chuck Cunninghamed” and I’m pretending he was involved in everything including the ALIE mess.
> 
> Lastly, it just occurred to me that this is the 2nd Raven/Abby story I’ve written and the 2nd one where Raven says something she didn’t mean in order to protect herself. I’m going to have to work on that for the next one, so sorry about the repeat performance on that. Hopefully the story itself is different enough to make up for that.

Raven was in the middle of a spectacular insult when Abby Griffin walked in.  As usual, the very presence of the imposing woman stole her ability to think and she struggled to remember what she’d been saying.  Wick, who had been the recipient of Raven’s insult, smirked as he saw his friend’s blank expression.  He’d been around enough to notice how agitated Raven became whenever the very sexy doctor Griffin was in the vicinity. 

“Good timing,” he smiled at the doctor. 

“Oh?” Abby said curiously, looking between the two young mechanics.  She saw a familiar expression on Raven’s face and grinned, knowing poor Wick was probably getting a healthy dose of sarcasm. 

“Forget it,” Raven muttered, shifting uncomfortably under Abby’s amused gaze.  She could figure out how to rebuild a hundred-year-old escape pod or anything with electrical parts, but for the life of her, she would never be able to understand why Abby Griffin could fluster her like nobody else. 

“Okay then,” Abby shook her head, not really surprised by Raven’s surly demeanor, in fact it just amused her more. 

“So anyway, one of my monitors is out in medical and I was hoping...” 

“Sure I’ll be right there,” Raven said, a hint of excitement at the thought of once more working beside Abby. 

“Oh. Well, I was actually looking for Wick.  He’s...uh he’s actually due for a physical anyway,” Abby lied. Badly. 

Raven frowned, feeling slightly rejected, not that she’d show it.  “Fine,” she muttered.  “It’ll be nice to work in peace and quiet for a change.” 

Abby studied Raven for a long moment. She could tell the grumpy mechanic was hurt that she had asked for Wick instead of her and Abby hated that she couldn’t reassure her, but she had her reasons. 

“Great,” she said more pleasantly than she felt.  

“Well see ya Reyes,” Wick grinned smugly as he stood up to followed Abby, wondering how long it would be before Raven admitted to herself she had the hots for their chief surgeon. 

* * * * * *

 Three weeks, Raven thought with increasing frustration.  For three weeks things had been quiet and Raven knew she should be glad.  She’d been busy repairing everything damaged during the Ark’s plummet to Earth as well as during every other crisis they seemed to face almost daily and for once the only injuries she’d suffered were a few cuts and electrical burns. However, she wasn’t happy.   Despite the easy days and the relaxed mood at their makeshift bar, Raven couldn’t relax. In three weeks she’d only seen Abby in passing a few times and each time she was with Wick.  Raven hated it and she hated not knowing why it bothered her so much. 

So, Raven threw herself into her work and when there were no more repairs, she turned her focus into her designs for new equipment they could use on the ground, trying not to find an excuse to hurt herself just for the chance to talk to Abby again. 

Finally, she’d had enough. She wasn’t sure why Abby had decided Wick was a better mechanic than her but she was going to find out and she told herself that was the only reason. It had absolutely nothing to do with missing the most interesting, sexy and frustrating person in the camp. 

She made her way down toward medical and stopped when she saw Abby standing in the door way.  She couldn’t understand the way her heart flipped when she saw the older woman, even from behind but before she could try to figure it out, Wick appeared. Raven sucked in a sharp breath when Abby said something and pulled the young man into her arms.  _What the royal fuck was that?_

Wick laughed and walked away, the light blush obvious on his face as Abby went back inside and Raven’s temper snapped. 

Wick faltered when he saw Raven standing there and then he realized she had to have seen the spontaneous hug Abby had given him. While there was nobody in Arkadia that wouldn’t jump at the chance to be that close to Abby Griffin, the dark look on Raven’s face was far more entertaining.  Her jealousy couldn’t be any clearer if she had tattooed it on her face. 

“Hey Reyes,” he greeted casually. 

“What the hell was that?” Raven demanded. 

“What?” Wick asked innocently, fighting not to laugh at her. 

“That hug.  You and Abby have spent almost every second of every day together for the last three weeks and now...that?  What are...are you sleeping with her?” 

“Raven, shut up,” Wick whispered, pulling her further down the hall. Raven jerked her arm away, her heart inexplicably broken.    

“You are!” she accused, jealousy eating at her.  “What’s wrong with you?” 

Wick’s amusement faded instantly.  “Fuck you Raven. You broke it off with me so you have no say in who I sleep with.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about who you sleep with,” she protested. 

Wick couldn’t deny that hurt a little, but at least he knew Raven was finally recognizing her own feelings. 

“You’re jealous of me,” he said smirking. “You’ve got the hots for Doc Griffin,” he snorted and then began to laugh. 

Raven panicked. She had always been protective of her heart and having this guy of all people knowing her feelings and making fun of her was too much. 

“Oh please,” she scoffed. “She’s bossy and nags me constantly, not to mention she’s old enough to be my mom.”  She nearly choked on the lie but the suddenly horrified expression on Wick’s face made her want to throw up. 

“She’s behind me isn’t she?” 

Wick could only nod and Raven warily turned around to see Abby standing there with the same stoic expression she almost always wore, however the look in Abby’s eyes shot a pain through her that hurt far more than her leg ever had. 

“Abby, I...” 

“You forgot your tools Wick,” she said coolly.  She placed the case on the floor and then walked back to medical without a look at Raven. 

“Damn it,” Raven swore, furious at herself. 

“What the actual fuck Raven?” Wick demanded, any amusement he had long gone. 

“I didn’t know she was there,” Raven said numbly, wanting nothing more than to go after Abby, but having no idea how to apologize to the woman who’d become her best friend.  No, Abby was so much more than that. 

“Like that makes a difference? 

“Fuck off Wick,” she said, shame making her sharper than normal and she pushed passed the annoying mechanic. 

“Not this time,” Wick said, following her until they reached their work quarters.  

Raven’s fists clenched at her side as she tried to ignore Wick’s accusing glare, knowing she deserved far more than that. 

“What?” She finally snapped. 

“I knew you could be a jackass when you wanted to, but I never thought you had it in you to be deliberately mean. Especially to Abby.” 

“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” Raven protested lamely. 

“No, well what did you mean?  Is the thought of being attracted to Abby that disgusting to you?” Wick pushed.  “Is it because she’s a woman? Or because of the age thing?  I mean for me personally; the age difference means shit, especially now when every day we’re sitting here waiting for some new asshole that wants to kill us all. Abby Griffin is a ridiculously sexy woman with a huge heart. Her age doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Yeah? And I’m sure you’ve enjoyed spending every hour of every day together for the last three weeks, appreciating her ‘big heart’.”  

Wick shook his head. “Do you even hear yourself?  You are so freaking jealous it’s not even funny.” 

“I’m not...” 

“Yes you are, and don’t bother telling me to shut up, or mind my own business because I’m not going to. I saw the look on Abby’s face when she heard that enormous pile of shit you said about her.  The thing is, I knew it was shit. She didn’t. Why would you do that to her?” 

Raven wanted to punch that arrogant expression of his face and tell him to stay out of her business, but the guilt began to eat at her and she found herself lowering her walls. 

“Because I’m an idiot,” she sighed. 

“No argument here,” Wick agreed with no hint of amusement.  “I figured out weeks ago that you had feelings for her.  Why does it freak you out so bad?” 

“You knew?” Raven’s head shot up in alarm. “Have you said anything to...” 

“Oh for god’s sake,” Wick said with frustration. “No I haven’t said anything.  It’s not my news to tell. Now answer my question.  Are you ashamed of being attracted to a woman?” 

“Of course not,” Raven scoffed. “I’m not that much of a bastard.  Her being a woman has nothing to do with anything.” 

“Then it’s her age? I mean she’s what, forty years older than you?” He poked. 

“Fuck you, it’s not even thirty,” Raven retorted. “And no, I don’t give a shit about that either. I mean damn. Have you seen her?  And when she turns all bad ass, it’s...” 

Wick saw the distracted look in Raven’s eyes and couldn’t blame her for it.  Doc Griffin was, he thought, perfection.   

“Then what is it? You’re single and she’s single...” 

“She just had her husband floated less than a year ago, asshole,” Raven reminded him. “Besides, even if she was interested in another relationship right now, everyone knows it would be with Kane.” 

Wick snorted. “I’d lose a hell of a lot of respect for her if she hooked up with him. He had her lashed in public, he’s at least partly responsible for her husband being floated and Clarke being sent down here, and from what I heard he was a split second away from floating Abby herself not to mention him fighting every suggestion she’s ever made.  What the hell she could see in him I don’t know.” 

“He’s a man, he’s not a kid and he’s not broken,” Raven muttered. 

“Seriously Raven?  Broken?”  Wick rolled his eyes. 

“Yes damn it,” Raven all but shouted. “Everything that’s happened?  Finn being killed, my being sliced open for something I didn’t do, having a hole drilled in me because some freaks in a mountain wanted bone marrow, this?” she gestured at her useless leg.  “Broken.” 

Wick was silent for a moment.  “Well boo fuckin’ hoo,” he finally replied angrily.  

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” 

“It means that yeah, you’ve had a lot of shit happen to you but so has everybody else. So has Abby.  She may look like nothing bothers her but she’s got her own scars Raven, some in the same place you do, but she doesn’t use that as an excuse to hide from people.  She uses them to help people and her main focus outside of Clarke is you.” 

“I don’t need her help,” Raven protested defensively. 

“God, you are so stubborn,” Wick nearly shouted, close to just walking away and telling Abby to forget her plans.  

“Has it occurred to you that maybe Abby wants to help you because she cares about you and wants you to be happy?”

“She’s just...” 

“No, you listen for once. I’ve spent a lot of time with her and I know you think I don’t know anything because I’m hilarious and brilliant and sexy and...” 

“Get to the point,” Raven interrupted, though she couldn’t stop a small smile. 

“The point is, I’m better at reading people than you think. I figured out how you felt about Abby a long time ago, and over the last few weeks it’s become pretty clear how she feels about you.” 

Raven looked at her friend as if he’d just sprouted wings. “Feels about...what are you talking about?” 

“You know what I’m talking about.  Raven, you’re the only person she ever spends time with, outside of a crisis. You’re the reason she took that fucking chip that messed everybody up.  She gave up her free will to save your life Raven. I think that pretty much says it all.” 

Raven sighed. She knew what Abby had done for her but hadn’t allowed herself to think too hard about it.   To know that Abby, who’d fought against Jaha’s chip and the City of Light for so long had willingly ignored her concerns to save Raven was too much to process.  She couldn’t understand why Abby would do what she’d warned everyone else against just for her and she was too afraid to hope that it was because Raven meant as much to Abby as Abby did to her. 

“She can’t have feelings for me,” was all she said. 

“Why not?” Wick pushed. “Sure your personality could use an upgrade...” 

“Fuck you too,” Raven retorted, even though she had to smile a little.  

“Raven,” Wick prodded.  “What’s holding you back.” 

Raven ran her hands through her hair, dislodging her pony tail.   “I’m not enough for her,” she blurted.  “She’s so strong and handles every fucking crisis like it’s just another day.  And even down here, covered in dirt and blood and god knows what else, she’s classy and gorgeous and in her mind I’m just a kid with a bad attitude.” 

“It doesn’t help that you’re acting like one,” Wick pointed out and then he sighed.  “I’m not about to tell you what she said to me and I shouldn’t even tell you this, but the fact is, everything we’ve been doing these last three weeks has been for you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yeah, Abby has spent almost every hour of the last three weeks using every computer and piece of medical technology they took from Mount Weather researching how to repair nerve damage.” 

Raven’s breath caught. “Really?” 

“Yeah and she’s found a way to artificially recreate the impulses in damaged nerves.” 

“Wait, what?” 

“Yeah, well she’ll have to explain all that to you, but that has been her whole purpose lately. Not sleeping with me, though I sure as hell wouldn’t say no if she asked.” 

“Why?” Raven asked, and Wick sighed.  The fact that Raven was absolutely serious made his anger fade.  That one question explained almost everything that had made him so furious with her. 

“At the risk of inflating that enormous ego of yours,” he said hoping to keep some lightness in the conversation, “you’re freaking brilliant and not terrible to look at,” he added with a smirk. 

“Gosh, thanks,” Raven retorted.

“You know you’re hot, you don’t need me to tell you that, but quite frankly Abby doesn’t give a crap about that.  I don’t think she meant to reveal so much, and to be honest half the time I think she was talking to herself, but all she could talk about was how strong you are and how much she admired your sense of freedom and your loyalty.” 

Raven’s heart fell. “Yeah, she could have been talking about a puppy, Wick.” 

“You didn’t hear her. It was in her voice and the smile on her face when she talked about you.   I didn’t have to hear the words Raven.  She also talked about how she loves how you aren’t afraid of anything, but she lied on that one, didn’t she?” 

“What?” 

“You’re afraid of showing anyone you have feelings, but I hate to tell you, you do it more than you realize.”  

Raven glared but couldn’t come up with even one argument and suddenly thinking Abby might have feelings for her was too much especially considering what she’d just heard Raven saying so she turned her mind to the project Wick said they’d been working on. 

“So what was her great discovery about nerve damage?” She asked, hoping to change the subject.  Judging by the look on Wick’s face, she knew she wasn’t fooling him, but fortunately he decided to play along. 

She came up with a way to replaced the function of the damaged nerves in your leg with artificial impulses, with just a small electrode implanted at the base of your spine.” 

Raven was stunned, to say the least. “Seriously?” 

“Yeah.  Apparently she had found some references in the computer systems confiscated from Mount Weather but the information was limited to what was there prior to the world going to shit.  She managed to find away to improve it.  This small chip would be like an internal bridge between the nerves that work in your upper leg to those in your lower.” 

“God damn,” Raven breathed, impressed as always by Abby Griffin’s enormous brain.  “I’d be normal again? She asked hopefully. 

“Not 100 percent, but close to ninety.  You wouldn’t be climbing any mountains or kicking some grounders face in, but for the most part, yeah.” 

“Wow,” Raven mused before a thought crossed her mind.  “And this would be a microchip? Like the one I just got rid of?” 

Wick rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake Raven.  Can’t you just be happy about something for five seconds?  This isn’t an AI, it’s basically a simple electrode.  There wouldn’t be that type of danger and for you to think Abby or I would even contemplate putting something like that in you again is offensive.” 

Raven slumped. “I know, but...” 

“You know what that AI made her do to Clarke, do you really think Abby would willingly do anything to put her in contact with that shit again? Do you really think she’d willingly risk your sanity?” 

Raven didn’t reply and Wick shook his head, defeated.   “You know what? You were right,” he said with disgust, “you don’t deserve her.” 

He was gone before Raven could even think of a reply. 

“Fuck!”  she shouted, furious with herself and her fucking pride.   She paced as she tried to figure out how to even begin to apologize to Abby.  She sighed. There really was no way to apologize for her cruel words, no matter how much of a lie they were.  She would just have to suck it up and face Abby and those damned eyes of hers and admit to being a big fat liar who had wanted her the second Abby had first slid open the subbasement door on the Ark. 

Taking a deep breath, she left the workroom and made her way toward Abby’s quarters. 

*  * * * * * * 

Abby sat at the small desk in her quarters, sipping a drink and looking at the notes she’d made on the neuro-chip for Raven, but the only thing she could understand was Raven telling wick that Abby was old and badgered her all the time. 

Though she’d never considered a relationship with the much younger woman, the idea of a girl like Raven being attracted to a woman of Abby’s age who had a child Raven’s age, was absurd, but to hear Raven dismiss her as if she was nothing but a hovering old nag, hurt her more than she would ever admit. 

A knock interrupted her increasingly dark thoughts and she got to her feet to open the door.  She didn’t have time to be surprised as Raven pushed her way past Abby and began to pace. 

“Raven? What…” 

“I’m sorry for what I said,” Raven blurted.  “I know it doesn’t mean a single damned thing, but I am.” 

Abby refused to lower her defenses again. “You’re sorry I heard you,” she corrected. 

The total lack of emotion in Abby’s voice was more horrible to Raven than had it been full of anger and bitterness. 

“No…I…yes I’m sorry you heard me but I’m sorry about even saying it.” 

“If you’re worried that I’ve been sitting here devastated because you aren’t in love with me, you’ve got a bigger ego than I thought,” Abby replied calmly, looking back to her notes, trying to pretend the flicker of pain in her chest didn’t exist. 

Raven couldn’t deny that hurt, but she wasn’t going to let rejection stop her, especially when there was a part of her that believed Abby was lying. 

“You’ve thought about my ego?” Raven teased, and then rolled her eyes at her own lameness.   “Forget I said that,” she mumbled.  

Abby felt her lips twitch and fought it. She refused to be amused by Raven’s tendency to stick her foot in her mouth. Not any more. Maybe it was immature, in fact she was sure it was, but Abby was tired of being Raven’s punching bag whenever she was panicked or being stubborn.  She still hadn’t forgotten the way she’d lashed out at her before. Telling she was both a terrible Chancellor and a terrible doctor. 

“It doesn’t matter Raven.  You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. I am old enough to be your mother, but I will not allow you to continue to insult me as a doctor.” 

“I’d never do that,” Raven protested and then remembered she was guilty of doing just that.  “Well not on purpose,” she corrected.  “I don’t care what came out of my mouth. You’re a fucking awesome doctor.  You’ve done the impossible so many times.  You cured Lincoln of being a reaper and brought him back to life. You made it so I could walk and even though I’ve acted like a brat about having to wear a brace, I am grateful to you.  And now I heard you’re working with Wick to…” 

“He told you?” Abby interrupted, a touch of anger in her voice for the first time.  

“Well yeah. He was pissed at me and wanted me to know what an asshole I was, but I already knew.” 

Abby sat back and ran her hands tiredly through her hair. “Look Raven, I forgive you, is that what you want to hear?” 

Raven didn’t understand her sudden urge to cry.  “No. I mean, yes it is what I want to hear but only if you mean it.” 

“I do mean it.  My pride was hurt and what woman wouldn’t be offended after being called old? But it wasn’t that big a deal.  Not until you implied I was harassing you.” 

Raven’s eyes shut. She hadn’t realized that was how it sounded. “I know what I said Abby, but what I didn’t say is that I like you harassing me.  I like knowing that you care about me.” 

“I do care Raven,” Abby said, turning to look at Raven.  “And all I’ve wanted was take away your pain.  I thought we were more than doctor and patient and I thought that since you couldn’t be bothered to look after yourself, someone had to. Someone had to show you that you were worth caring about and I thought that could be me.   Apparently I was wrong.” 

Raven thought quickly.  Things were not going like she’d hoped. She’d lied to Wick to protect her pride and that was about to cost her the most important relationship she’d ever had. She knew she’d have to forget her pride if she wanted to keep it. 

She walked over to Abby.  She frowned. There was no way she could kneel gracefully, so instead she grabbed Abby’s hand, only briefly noting how very warm and soft it was despite the slight callouses.  She pulled Abby up and ignoring the faint protests led her to the bunk where they could sit down together.  

“What the hell are you doing Raven?” 

“I want to talk to you and this is the one way I can make sure you hear me.” 

“We don’t have anything to talk about,” Abby argued. “I told you I forgave you so…” 

“This would go a lot faster if you’d quit interrupting me,” Raven said, smiling nervously.  When Abby nodded, Raven sighed. 

“I haven’t been fair to you,” she said quietly. “I’ve snapped at you when you were trying to help me. I’ve ignored you and made decisions that made you worry needless for your daughter as well as me and I’ve said things I knew would hurt you even though they were the biggest lies I could think of.” 

“Why? Why would you do that?” Abby asked, more sad than angry.  She had always known that Raven was complicated and like a wounded animal would lash out if she felt threatened in any way, but knowing it didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“Because I didn’t want you to know the truth,” Raven admitted. 

“What truth?” 

Raven swallowed. It was now or never and as she looked into those expressive, gentle brown eyes Raven knew instantly that no matter what Raven told her, Abby wouldn’t make fun of her, she wouldn’t turn away from her in disgust and even if she pitied her, Raven knew it would in a way meant to keep Raven from hurting. 

“Wick was right,” she blurted, hated the way her cheeks heated. 

Abby watched Raven and saw something in her expression that had her chest tightening.  “About?” 

“I… do have feelings for you Abby.  Strong ones and I have for a long time.”   Raven exhaled, surprisingly feeling as if the entire Ark had been lifted off her chest.  “When I saw you hug Wick, I didn’t like it. I was jealous and hurt and I acted like an idiot.” 

Abby’s eyes widened and her breath caught in her throat.  “I…you have feelings for me?” she asked, too stunned to form a thought. “What do you mean, feelings?” 

Raven couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud of herself for shocking the unflappable Abby Griffin.   “Feelings. You know, the ‘you’re all I think about,’ feelings, where I forget how to breathe or even think when you’re near me and where I sometimes start wondering what it would be like to…” and that’s when Raven’s courage ran out. 

Abby could see the rest of Raven’s sentence in her eyes and her heart began to race.  She’d always known Raven was beautiful, even when she was covered in mud or grease and she’d been drawn to the young woman’s courage and fiery spirit from the moment they met, but she was so young that Abby had never even suspected she was attracted to her and certainly never allowed herself to see Raven as anything but a friend. Now, however, she couldn’t stop herself from studying Raven with a wide open mind.  Soft black hair without the traces of gray that had started showing up in Abby’s own.  Big brown eyes, still so innocent despite the horrors they’d seen and without the little lines that had appeared around hers. A physique that Abby could admit only to herself, was jaw-droppingly perfect even with her injured leg and a face that was a dangerous blend of sweet and seductive.  Against her will Abby’s eyes fell to lips that were temptingly full, the lower lip now caught shyly between white teeth and to her shock, Abby found herself wanting to reach out and rescue that lip and soothe it with her own.   The unexpectedness and strength of that desire had her jumping to her feet, unsure of what to do with herself. 

“Abby? Did I…oh my God I’m such an asshole,” Raven swore, feeling sick and rejected. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…disgust you or whatever I did.” 

Abby heard the pain in Raven’s voice and it broke her heart.  The young woman constantly presented herself as a tough as steel badass that didn’t care about anything, but Abby knew what a tender heart she had and how vulnerable she could be.   She quickly sat back on the bunk and took Raven’s hand. 

“No Raven, you aren’t an asshole,” she said with a smile.  “You didn’t disgust me, not at all. You just surprised me.” 

“Yeah, well now you know why I acted like an idiot,” Raven muttered, feeling the need to flee before she embarrassed herself further. 

“No I don’t,” Abby argued. “Not really.” 

“Abby, everything I said, well most of it, I was just saying what I figured you would say if you found out how I felt about you.  I couldn’t stand the idea of you laughing at me or treating me like some stupid kid with a crush.” 

Forgetting herself for a moment, she placed a hand on Raven’s cheek. “Oh Raven,” she smiled sadly. “You spend far too much time protecting your pride and guarding your heart,” she chided. 

“Well I have to. We all do,” Raven protested, though she rubbed her cheek almost unconsciously against the warm hand on her face. 

“To an extent,” Abby agreed. “I’m guilty of it too or I would have surely recognized that I…” she paused, unsure if she should admit to what she’d just realized, but then she reminded herself of how brave Raven had been to expose her own emotions so how could she be anything less? 

“It’s okay Abby. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable and I never intended to tell you but I couldn’t stand knowing you believed I thought you were old or something, because God knows you aren’t even close and you are so damned sexy and... Fuck, I’m just making an idiot out of myself,” she finished, feeling an irritating urge to cry.  

“I’m just going to…” Raven’s words were cut off by a very soft pair of lips and her world imploded. 

Abby had no idea how she suddenly came to be kissing Raven, but she wasn’t going to worry about it either because it felt amazing and more right than it probably should have.  It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but rather one of realization and understanding. It was gentle, meant to comfort and reassure but it was creating a whirlpool of more intense feelings inside Abby that were far from comforting.   

Finally, Abby pulled back, and watched Raven’s face for any sign of fear or dismay. 

“You kissed me,” Raven said dumbly, her lips still tingling. 

“You always have been observant,” Abby laughed awkwardly. 

“I…why?” 

“I don’t know. I just wanted to.” 

“Really?” Raven asked with an adorably hopeful expression. 

Abby sighed. “Raven, to be honest, I never even considered this…us before now.” 

Raven’s heart fell again, but it was mixed with anger this time.  “So what was that kiss then? Pity?” she snapped.  “Or was it just some pat on the head for the poor deluded crippled kid?” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Abby replied shortly, not surprised by Raven’s outburst.  “I’m just saying that even if I had allowed myself to feel something for you, do you think it would have been any easier for me than it was for you?   You’re twenty-two for god’s sake, and we’re both women.” 

“So?” 

“So, if it were you and Marcus, nobody would think twice about it, but if people knew that I had feelings for a woman half my age, who’s barely older than my daughter, I’d be the one being made fun of or pitied for having some mid-life crisis or accused of being a cradle robber. I’d have everyone in camp whispering about me while I’m trying to heal them as well as earn their respect as a member of the council.” 

“Nobody would do that Abby,” Raven protested. “There’s not a person here that doesn’t respect you more than anyone.” 

Abby smiled, touched by Raven’s defense of her but she wasn’t naïve. “They would Raven. And even if I didn’t give a shit about what people think about me, and I really don’t, let’s not forget the fact that while you’re still incredibly fit,” she added, unable to keep her eyes from wandering down Rave’s body, for the first time looking at it through a woman’s eyes, not a doctors and very much liking what the woman saw.  She shook her head of those inappropriate thoughts. “While you’re very fit, I’ve already found a few gray hairs and have a wrinkle here and there. Am I supposed to believe that in five or ten years you’ll still want someone twenty plus years your senior?” 

Raven frowned.  It never once occurred to her that Abby Griffin would be self conscious about anything and she didn’t like it.   

“Abby, you are the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen,” she answered sincerely.  Not just because of your face or that amazing body,” she grinned at Abby’s blush. “You have the sexiest brain I’ve ever encountered and the biggest heart,” she continued seriously. “You have more courage than anybody here.  I would like to think that I would still be drawn to you even if your hair was snow white or you weighed two hundred pounds and had a beard.  Well maybe not a beard. I’m not a big fan of facial hair” she corrected. 

Abby couldn’t help but laugh at that, even as she doubted it was true.  People always said that until they were faced with the reality.  “That’s very sweet…mostly,” she smiled, “but…” 

“Abby look at where we are, at what the world is like now. There’s no guarantee of a tomorrow much less a decade, so we have to take happiness where we find it and that means putting your trust in people.  I mean, I know that if we were to…start something, I’d always be worried that I wasn’t classy or mature enough for you or that I was too high maintenance.  I would always worry that you would decide you preferred someone like Marcus.” 

“The man had me publicly shocklashed just to assert his authority,” Abby replied dryly. “He may have changed over these last few months and we may have become good friends, but the scars on my back remind me daily why being anything more will never happen and Raven, whatever this is” she gestured between them, “you will always be enough for anyone,” she added sincerely.  She, probably more than anyone, knew that this brilliant, vibrant, beautiful young woman was secretly one big bundle of self-doubt and insecurity. 

“You are incredibly smart as well as beautiful and you have more courage than has proven to be wise,” she added with a teasing smile. “You are definitely a catch and anyone would be lucky to have your attention.” 

Raven felt herself blushing, but a painful reminder threatened her tentative happiness.  “Finn didn’t think so,” she whispered. 

Abby’s heart broke as she saw the sadness enter Raven’s eyes. “I know he hurt you, but do you think that maybe your relationship had been based more on familiarity than real passion?” Abby asked cautiously. 

Raven’s first instinct was to deny it. She had loved Finn…hadn’t she? Suddenly she started comparing her happier times with him to those times with Abby and she knew the truth. She had loved Finn but he had been comfortable. He was sweet and loving and fun.  Spending time with Abby had been anything but comfortable. The magnitude of what they were doing was enough to add a level of stress and pressure she hadn’t had with Finn and it had been that Raven had learned she craved pressure and stress. And Abby had always pushed and argued with Raven where Finn had wanted to protect her. And just that one press of Abby’s lips to hers had set her on fire in a way Finn’s kisses hadn’t. 

“Yeah,” Raven finally admitted, not at all liking what that said about her, “maybe it had been.” 

Abby could hear the guilt in Raven’s voice, knowing she would always blame herself for Finn being sent down with the 100.  “You have to stop blaming yourself Raven for what happened,” she said softly.  “Finn knew what he was doing and he didn’t do anything I wouldn’t have done to save you,” she said. 

“You have,” Raven reminded her, not wanting to think about poor Finn anymore.  “You took that fucking chip to save my life and it nearly cost you yours.” 

It was Abby’s turn to feel a stomach churning guilt as she thought about what she had done to Clarke while under the influence of that chip but there was one truth she wouldn’t deny. 

“This makes me the worst mother in the world,” Abby said quietly, “but even knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t change what I did Raven.  I couldn't let you die.”

Raven’s eyes stung when she saw Abby’s pain filling her expressive eyes.  “It doesn't make you a bad mother,” she insisted. “Clarke knows that what happened wasn’t you and she knows that you took that chip to save a life.  She told me more than once that even though watching you nearly hang yourself was horrible, she understood why you had taken it and was proud of you.  You were so strong for so long and they knew that the only chance they had to get you was to put someone’s life in danger.” 

“Your life,” Abby corrected instantly.  “When I saw you slit your wrists, I couldn’t bear it,” she choked reliving that one horrible moment and the stab of pain that flashed through her even with just the memory of seeing Raven laying in her own blood and Abby unable to help her, made Abby realize that she had felt something beyond friendship for Raven, even then.    

“So do you…are you saying you feel something for me?” Raven asked bluntly, breaking into Abby’s thoughts. 

Abby sucked in a breath, knowing she should have expected the question but she really hadn’t.  “Raven…” 

“Is there?” 

Abby swallowed.  Suddenly, every private moment they’d shared replayed in her mind but they now had an extra layer she had been too blind to see at the time. She remembered how impressed she’d been by Raven’s ingenuity in discovering so quickly what Abby and the others had worked so hard to hide. She remembered how fascinated she’d been with Raven’s incredible mind as she repaired something that should have never worked in the first place. She remembered the way it had felt to hold Raven even believing it was a final goodbye and the tears of relief she’d shed after hearing Raven’s voice from earth.  She remembered the sheer panic she’d felt seeing Raven laying near death after being shot in the back and the terror and heartbreak with every scream Raven had released as Abby removed the bullet and she painfully remembered how Raven had looked in the tight tank top, glued to her body after hours of furious labor.   She was sure she would have felt similar things with anyone she’d worked so closely with but every image of Raven brought a shock of feeling more powerful than what could even remotely be called friendly and she wondered how she could have missed it. 

“I suppose I am,” she finally admitted reluctantly. 

The resulting smile on Raven’s face was so bright and filled with a genuine happiness Abby had never seen on the grumpy mechanic’s face and she melted.  Unable to help herself she reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind Raven’s ear.   “Are you really sure this is what you want Raven?” she asked quietly.   This didn’t even make the list of possible things she thought she’d be doing this evening or anywhere in the future, but at that moment, Abby realized it was something she really, really wanted.   “People will talk. They’ll wonder why you’re with someone my age. They’ll probably tease you a lot.” 

Raven frowned when she saw a flicker of pain in Abby’s eyes and she knew she was responsible for that.   “Abby, what I said to Wick, I’ll always hate myself for that. I’m so sorry that I hurt you, but what I said wasn’t because I was afraid of what people said about me dating you, it was jealousy that you were hugging Wick instead of me.  It was fear of what they’d say about you dating me and it was fear of what you’d say knowing I have feelings for you. Please say you believe me.” 

Abby offered that soft smile that always had Raven melting into a big pile of goo.  “I believe you,” she assured her.  “I do think we should take things very slow however.  I need time to get used to this.” 

Raven’s heart nearly exploded from sheer happiness.  Never had she felt such joy, not even when she was space-walking. 

“We’ll go as slow as you want,” Raven assured her. “I’m patient.”  Abby snorted and Raven wasn’t sure if she should be offended or not. She just smiled instead, relieved to see the warm gleam back in Abby’s eyes. 

“Fine, I’m not patient, but I’ll make an exception for you Abby.  Take as long as you need, but…” she froze, wondering how her request would be taken. 

“But?”   

Raven ran over several ideas on how to present her idea and decided that smug indifference would keep the mood light. 

“But I’m thinking that you should probably kiss me again. You know, just to make sure we really like it and that we’re compatible and all,” Raven smirked, though based on just that one little taste she’d already had, she wasn’t sure she would actually survive a deeper more deliberate kiss from Abby. 

“Well look at that, someone’s developed an interest in research all of a sudden,” Abby teased. 

“Oh definitely, especially if there’s lots of testing involved. You know how thorough I am,” Raven grinned and then she nearly swooned at the way Abby’s dark eyes dropped to her lips. 

“How could I suddenly crave something so badly that I never knew I wanted?” Abby mused, her hand going to Raven’s soft cheek and her thumb brushing across those tempting lips. 

Raven licked her suddenly dry lips, catching Abby’s thumb in the process.  The startled hiss coming from Abby had Raven’s heart pounding in her ears.  She was suddenly far too nervous to make a sarcastic retort, not that she wouldn’t try.  

“I say don’t question how, just go with it,” she croaked out. 

Abby’s expression changed from tender into predatory so quickly it had Raven’s head swimming. 

“Is that so?” Abby said, her normally raspy voice seemed to have dropped an octave and Raven nearly swallowed her tongue.  The intense look in those dark eyes and the slow lifting of her lips was the hottest thing Raven had ever seen and she suddenly felt remarkably out of her element.  She _loved_ it.  

“You talk too much Abby,” Raven whispered bravely before closing the distance and kissing those surprisingly sassy lips. In a blink of an eye, the tension exploded and Abby’s hand wrapped around Raven’s neck, burying itself in her silky black hair and pulling her closer. 

_Dear God,_ Raven thought desperately as Abby took control. For a woman who hadn’t even known she was attracted to Raven, Abby had clearly warmed to the idea as her tongue flicked out against Raven’s lips and Raven could do nothing but part her lips and let her in. It was the closest thing to heaven Raven could think of as Abby’s soft warm tongue danced with hers, the little moans coming from the doctor’s throat easily becoming addictive. 

For Abby, everything but Raven ceased to exist. The taste of her mouth, the feel of her tongue consumed her.  She’d never had a passing thought about kissing another woman before but by damn it was amazing, though she knew it was all Raven.  She forgot any lingering doubts she had and clenched her fingers lightly in Raven’s hair, thrilling at the little whimper that resulted.  She needed to breathe but wasn’t close to being through with the younger woman so she pulled her lips from Raven’s and immediately trailed kisses along her jaw and down her throat, noting and savoring each sensation, each taste, each response. 

“When you make up your mind about something, you don’t fuck around,” Raven panted, her head falling backwards as Abby nibbled at her throat. 

Abby pulled away, her breathing as ragged as Raven’s as she lifted an eyebrow. “You’re really trying to be a smartass? Even now?” she asked incredulous, though she couldn’t hide a grin. 

Raven met Abby’s eyes and slid her own hands into that soft thick mass of light brown hair.  “It was either that or pass out, and I’m so not ready for you to stop what you’re doing.” 

Abby chuckled. “What am I going to do with you?” she whispered fondly.  

“Anything you want,” Raven replied seriously before kissing the doctor once more; a happiness like she hadn’t felt in years threatening to bring tears to her eyes.  Abby Griffin, the smartest, sexiest human being on the planet wanted her.  There was nothing Raven wanted more than to lay Abby back on the bed and show her just how much she was desired but she knew Abby was afraid so reluctantly she pulled away. 

“You okay?” she couldn’t help but ask, worried Abby was going to panic and change her mind. 

“I’m fine,” Abby answered honestly, taking Raven’s hand and kissing her palm.  

“So, how about telling me about this chip thingy you’ve been working on,” Raven suggested, a huge part of her hoping Abby would say forget it and get back to kissing her. 

Abby was having a hard time shifting her mental gears so quickly and just barely fought the urge to lick her lips, knowing the taste of Raven would still be on them.  It took several seconds, but finally Abby’s breathing settled and her mind once more became focused.  Images of the design she’d been working on and images of what it could do for Raven pushed aside her lingering desire for the moment. 

“Alright, well I was researching through some of the computers from the Mount Weather labs and found some really interesting notes about neural conduits and…” 

_And I’ve lost her_ Raven thought, trying not to smile at Abby’s instant transformation from seductive lover to big adorable nerd.  She only understood about every other word Abby was saying but she listened, her heart swelling as she was reminded once more of how insanely brilliant this woman was and that she was using those brains for her.  Still, she knew one thing for sure. If it came down to a choice of being able to walk without a brace, or having Abby holding her and kissing her, there would be no contest at all.  Raven would give up her ability to walk, her pride, her life…everything, just to be with Abby and she would wait for as long as it took for Abby to be ready to accept all Raven wanted to offer her.  -  END


End file.
